Pre-deployment: A Mother’s Training
by Sandra DeRose
As the day of my son’s deployment gets closer, I find myself attempting to believe and live by his words instead of mine—words said to me when I once asked him what he thought of this war. He said, “I do not think of war that way; I only think of keeping my brothers, those who will be fighting next to me—alive.”
To care for those who walk beside us more than ourselves—these are words that go beyond who most of us are. How inexplicably changed our lives would be if we lived by such words everyday. We spend the bulk of our lives trying to make sense of an outside world in connection to our own dreams and desires when all along our own peace may lie instead in our proverbial backyard—in any true connection to our brothers and sisters, and thus to the greater universe.
And yet, my son’s words, seemingly simple, are the toughest to live by. I do not say them to hide behind my fear. In fact, I now carry my fear around with me every day, and it is a heavy rucksack. But even my fears and ambiguities about deployment have brought me to people, kind people, who have come forward with not only words of encouragement, but also a promise to walk with me through the upcoming year.
Each night, I go online to read and write on an online army board made up of mothers and wives and dads and husbands. Sometimes we talk about laundry. Sometimes we talk about weddings, or births, or what to wear to the next graduation ceremony. Sometimes we talk about fear as though fear can be reduced to sit obediently in a corner and whisper. We never talk about the rising and setting of the sun, yet in many ways that is all we talk about. We keep each other alive with hope and the promise of tomorrow.
Colleen seems to be our leader. She is the one who knows everyone’s birthday. She knows who has a new son or daughter or who should be congratulated for “turning blue” at Fort Benning. But most of all she is always there. She writes recently to me: “Was thinking about you and Richard. If I remember right, he will be deployed next month. (( hugs))) We’ll be here for you. Just letting you know I’m thinking of you.”
And then there is Tony who always has an astute and caring comment, who keeps us with a clear perspective. He writes about the time our soldiers are away: “TICK TOCK. Time gets totally distorted. Of all my days on this board, the messages I love the most is when someone announces: ‘He’s back on US soil’.. The most important thing about this board I absolutely love is; when they deploy, no matter how far apart we are, we’re really right next to each other.”
These voices have become my battle buddies. They have taught me the meaning behind my son’s words. We keep each other alive.
Sometimes we learn the most important lessons from our own children. Tomorrow does belong to them.